The Glacier. Wicked Witch of the West Wing. Hilla the Hun. Robbery Hillham. Slick Hillary. Whatever name she goes by, one thing is for certain: she is a cybernetic organism that has traveled back in time to bring about a socialist paradise for all of mankind.
Hillary Clinton stands at the forefront of a critical period in human history. Evangelical Christians, Zionists and Islamic radicals threaten to take over the world, and there is only one person that can stop them. Will she fulfill her destiny? Or will all of humanity be subjected to bible study every Wednesday night (or madrassas every day)? The polls look promising for Hillary; she might win. But then again, she might not. Unfortunately for us, we lose either way. Why? Because Hillary Clinton sucks.
1. She is not human. She is a machine with no feelings.
2. She hides her past. If something deals with the makeup of a presidential candidate or first lady, maybe it’s something the public has a right to know about. She suppressed her senior thesis when Bill Clinton became president.
3. She’s anti-Semitic. She called Clinton’s former campaign manager a “fucking Jew bastard.” Of course she denies it though. But then her former bodyguard said he heard the Clinton couple use anti-Semitic slurs 10 to 20 times. He asserts that he heard Hillary use the term “Jew bastard” and called President Clinton a “Jew boy” and a “motherfucking Jew.” She also kissed Yasser Arafat’s wife after she claimed that Israel deliberately used poison gas on Palestinians (with no proof).
4. She changed her name for political reasons. Apparently she isn’t willing to stand up for her beliefs.
5. She engages in bribery for financial gain. For some reason, her commodities broker allowed her to place an order for $12,000 worth of cattle futures contracts, even though she only had $1,000 in her account. This violated the Chicago Mercantile Exchange rules governing margin trading.
6. She despises homemakers and women who stay at home to care for their families. She loves to insult this behavior.
7. She is a hypocrite for staying married to Bill Clinton. In a 60 Minutes interview she said, “I’m not sitting here as some little woman ‘standing by my man’ like Tammy Wynette.” Actually Hillary, yes, you are, and for your own political gain, too.
8. She is a liar. She claims to have been named after the mountain climber Sir Edmund Hillary. However, he did not become famous until five years after she was born. I guess her parents are clairvoyant.
9. Whitewater. I have no idea how to explain this succinctly. However, the fact that this scandal is so boring and hard to understand is enough to make the list.
10. She murdered Vince Foster. That’s right, I said it. But don’t just take my word for it.
11. She believes she can converse with the dead. She talks to Eleanor Roosevelt.
12. She’s a conspiracy theorist fear-monger. She concocts imaginary theories with which to scare her followers.
13. She stopped supporting the Chicago Cubs for political reasons. She changed her support to the New York Yankees during her senate campaign, even though she had been a lifelong fan of the Cubs.
14. She uses ghostwriters for her books, and then claims the work as her own.
15. As senator of New York, she did not attend any funerals for 9/11 victims (the only major politician not to do so). Her response, of course, was that she did “not believe, after a long lifetime in and around politics, that people should thrust themselves into private grief just because they’re politicians.” Yeah, I believe her.
16. She’s a racist. She insulted Indians by claiming Mahatma Gandhi, “ran a gas station down in Saint Louis.”
17. She’s immune to criticism. Do we ever hear about this stuff in the media anymore? Wonder why? How many of you are actually enjoying this?
18. She adopts fake accents for political reasons. She tries to affect a Southern drawl when speaking to Southerners. She’s from ILLINOIS.
19. She calls young people lazy. Well, maybe she’s right about that one.
20. She has flip-flopped on the war in Iraq. She voted for it, and now she is calling on Congress to repeal authorization for it.
21. Hillary sucks so much, she is a singularity of suck. There are so many reasons why she sucks that they could never all fit into one article. And writing this was like stabbing myself in the face, so I’m including the suffering this caused as a reason for sucking.