Julius Caesar Sucks – 3 X-Rated Poems From Catullus

July 1, 2007 | by John | Filed Under History, People | 7 Comments

You think rap artists are hardcore? Wait until you meet the Roman poet Gaius Valerius Catullus…

Born in the provincial northern town of Verona sometime around 84 B.C.E, Catullus was one of the greatest and most influential of all classical poets. His father was friendly with Julius Caesar and often invited him to dinner. Catullus wrote several vicious attacks on Caesar, which suggest that his military campaigns in Britain and Gaul were being criminally mismanaged by his chief engineer Mamurra, and that they were motivated by revolting avarice and greed on the part of Caesar himself.

Catullus describes Caesar as a “voracious and shameless gut.” Catullus also sneers at Caesar’s bisexual promiscuity: “They’re well matched, that pair of shameless buggers, Bitch-queens both of them, Caesar and Mamurra.”

The translations below are 100% literal. If you are at work or have a weak stomach, go elsewhere. WARNING! Extreme Profanity and Strong Sexual Content!

The following two poems are cited here.

Catullus 16

I’ll fuck you up the ass, and you can blow me,

you cocksucker Aurelius and you faggot Furius,

for suggesting that my little verses

are effeminate and not pure enough.

A good poet should be virtuous,

but his verses don’t need to be.

Who cares if verses that have spice and wit

are soft and not very pure?

They can also get you going.

I’m not talking to boys here, but to two hairy men

who can’t even move their creaky old loins.

Are you two putting me down

just because you’ve read about my thousands of kisses?

Fuck you both. You can blow me.

Catullus 33

O most distinguished of the bathhouse thieves,

father Vibennius, and o buttfucking son,

(for the light-fingered father is quite foul,

and the son is voracious with his asshole),

why don’t you go on a trip to someplace miserable,

since everyone knows about the robberies of the father.

And as for you, son, can’t you manage

to sell your hairy ass to anyone for even a penny?

And the poem below is cited here.

Catullus 97

You wouldn’t think it made much difference

sniffing around Aemilius’ mouth or his asshole,

one being no better or worse than the other,

but I figure his ass is a whole lot better,

it’s got no teeth. His mouth has teeth in it

a half a yard long, the gums are all rotten,

sagging down loose as an old covered wagon,

and when he smiles the lips spread open wide

like a mule’s cunt dripping on a hot summer day.

This is the big lover the ladies all fuck for?

I’d plug his face with a horse dick instead.

A girl who’d go near a creep like that, she

could get down and ream a sick hangman’s ass.

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Comments

7 Responses to “Julius Caesar Sucks – 3 X-Rated Poems From Catullus”

catullus 85 on April 30th, 2008 at 12:34 pm

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catullus 7 on May 8th, 2008 at 7:20 am

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motti;O_* on January 11th, 2009 at 7:52 am

wow! i cant believe its a real translation. but, its still funny as hell! lmao!
gelo on August 7th, 2009 at 8:28 am

This was so intense. I instantly laughed at his voracious appetite for ass due to the fact that the word and phrase AND actions… were greatly expressed in each piece. NONE THE LESS, THAT SHIT’S FUNNY!
stephyy on August 11th, 2009 at 12:04 am

rofl. thanks gelo, for introducing me to this witty poet =P
Lauren K on February 26th, 2010 at 8:32 am

I’ve read many translations of these poems, and even translated them myself, and I have to say these translations are excellent. They are literal and also keep the colloquial tone Catullus was going for. “Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo” is always a little difficult to get into English, but I think from now on I’ll be using “Fuck you both, you can blow me.”
sung on March 19th, 2010 at 9:51 pm

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