Julius Caesar Sucks – 3 X-Rated Poems From Catullus

You think rap artists are hardcore? Wait until you meet the Roman poet Gaius Valerius Catullus…

Born in the provincial northern town of Verona sometime around 84 B.C.E, Catullus was one of the greatest and most influential of all classical poets. His father was friendly with Julius Caesar and often invited him to dinner. Catullus wrote several vicious attacks on Caesar, which suggest that his military campaigns in Britain and Gaul were being criminally mismanaged by his chief engineer Mamurra, and that they were motivated by revolting avarice and greed on the part of Caesar himself.

Catullus describes Caesar as a “voracious and shameless gut.” Catullus also sneers at Caesar’s bisexual promiscuity: “They’re well matched, that pair of shameless buggers, Bitch-queens both of them, Caesar and Mamurra.”

The translations below are 100% literal. If you are at work or have a weak stomach, go elsewhere. WARNING! Extreme Profanity and Strong Sexual Content!

The following two poems are cited here.

Catullus 16

I’ll fuck you up the ass, and you can blow me,

you cocksucker Aurelius and you faggot Furius,

for suggesting that my little verses

are effeminate and not pure enough.

A good poet should be virtuous,

but his verses don’t need to be.

Who cares if verses that have spice and wit

are soft and not very pure?

They can also get you going.

I’m not talking to boys here, but to two hairy men

who can’t even move their creaky old loins.

Are you two putting me down

just because you’ve read about my thousands of kisses?

Fuck you both. You can blow me.

Catullus 33

O most distinguished of the bathhouse thieves,

father Vibennius, and o buttfucking son,

(for the light-fingered father is quite foul,

and the son is voracious with his asshole),

why don’t you go on a trip to someplace miserable,

since everyone knows about the robberies of the father.

And as for you, son, can’t you manage

to sell your hairy ass to anyone for even a penny?

And the poem below is cited here.

Catullus 97

You wouldn’t think it made much difference

sniffing around Aemilius’ mouth or his asshole,

one being no better or worse than the other,

but I figure his ass is a whole lot better,

it’s got no teeth. His mouth has teeth in it

a half a yard long, the gums are all rotten,

sagging down loose as an old covered wagon,

and when he smiles the lips spread open wide

like a mule’s cunt dripping on a hot summer day.

This is the big lover the ladies all fuck for?

I’d plug his face with a horse dick instead.

A girl who’d go near a creep like that, she

could get down and ream a sick hangman’s ass.